At Mollusk, we seek out the type of employee who does more than just work in Marketing. We are looking for the sort of person who not only spreads lies for money during business hours, but a committed liar. Do you dissemble during your spare time, for no particular personal gain, but rather for the pure recreational joy of mendacity? If so, you may be Mollusk Material!
Mollusk currently has the following employment opportunities:
1.) Commission Sales.
Do you have the ability to sell? Or just send out bogus invoices? Don't mind waiting months or even years for bonus and commission checks? If you are willing to pretend to work, we'd be happy to pretend to pay you - Mollusk could be the right fit for you!
2.) Intern.
Similiar to commission sales, but there's not the false expectation that you'll get paid. If you are the sort of person who is paying a professional to abuse and degrade you on a regular basis right now, here's an opportunity to get that sort of treatment for free. Well, almost free.
3.) Auditor.
Alcoholic with a proven track record of low achievement needed. Poor attendence and a willingness to sign off on things you haven't read is a must. The ability to answer almost any legal interrgatories with answers like: "I honestly don't know. In fact, I don't remember much of the last ten years. I've got a serious drinking problem. God is helping me to stay sober, but each day is a challenge. There are setbacks. I've got to go. I think I soiled myself. Could I bum $5.00 - I'll be honest, I need a drink."
You'll be filling a vital role at Mollusk - a person so clearly unable to distinguish right from wrong that they can comfortably shoulder the enormous burden of criminal liability that Mollusk generates on a daily basis, and so hopelessly indebted that the concept of civil liability is laughable.
4.) Advertiser Buyer.
Can you go to topless clubs and sporting events, get stinking drunk, then accept whatever proposals that a salesman gives you, and still change clients 15% of the damage for "professional ad placement?" You'll fit right in.
"I had a better life when I was homeless."
-Gil Redando, Warehouse Supervisor
"It's not as bad after you give up hope."
-Jim Railford, Accounting Assistant
"Dilbert is a best case scenario."
-Sarah McKnight, Account Executive
"Life's a shit sandwich - and every day here is just taking another bite!"
-Laura Martinez, Accounts Receivable Specialist
"You don't apply for a job at Mollusk - You're sentenced to it!"
-Hal Gridwell, Facilities Coordinator
"I don't work here. I'm homeless, and I just live in the building. There's plenty to eat from the employee fridge, you can steal drinking money and credit cards from the women's purses, and I entertain myself at night by downloading porn onto the employee computers. A couple of them have gotten fired over it, but I don't feel guilty - they're better off not working here. I heard one of them hooked up with a gig working the Drive-Thru window at Mickey D's after she got canned - a helluva lot better than this!
They lock access to the floor with the bathrooms at night, but that's ok. I just pee in a cubicle. God I pity the bastards who work here."
-Anonymous